Re: Artistic Statements & Critiques

Critiquing always helps me tremendously with my work. Today, I learned that my first draft needed to be revised because it sounded more like a biography. I also got feedback that I need to be more specific, and use more examples as to how I am like Audrey Hepburn. I realized that I was being pretty vague in the first draft, so for my second draft I plan on using specific examples, and polishing up my work.
As for learning more concepts from other people's work, I learned that it would be interesting if I made my artistic statement more of story instead of a biography. I think that if I put some of my own experiences to back up information on how I am like Audrey will give the audience better clues of who I am.

Here is my first draft:


I was always, you could say, the type of girl who would look up to classy and successful women. With all of media’s provocative influences on young girls, I decided to take the other route and be a bit more sensible. Blouses, dresses, and clean basic shirts have ruled my closet since I was 14, and to this day I feel inspired by Audrey Hepburn’s elegant style, aura, and persona. Even after all of the success of winning four Oscars, more than any other actress, Audrey still kept her values. She once said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you're exactly the same.” One thing that I admire most about her was the fact that she became a well known ambassador for UNICEF, working with children in Africa and Latin America. When I traveled to Tanzania and Kenya two years ago, I went to visit a Masaii village. We toured the village and went to the small school hut. About 20 Masaii children looked at us with their huge brown eyes, with flies swarming around them, landing on their faces that didn’t twitch one bit. At that point, I realized joining and working with Humanitarian organizations would be something that I would do one day. I think that by following Audrey Hepburn’s style of pursuing her dreams and becoming a success both physically and mentally is something I can look up to, and do myself.
Most people don’t understand the success Audrey has accomplished, being a person who started off with so little. From recovering from malnourishment after WWII to becoming a well known icon- has been a great achievement in anyone’s eyes, including mine.
Audrey wasn’t only committed to acting and dancing and modeling, but as she grew older she realized the importance of helping others. She danced for anti-Nazi organizations and later became an ambassador for UNICEF. Her first visit was to Ethiopia, where famine and much poverty reigned. After visiting Ethiopia, she projected UNICEF’s importance to the media, taking on 15 interviews a day. “I can testify to what UNICEF means to children, because I was among those who received food and medical relief right after World War II,” she once said. With such passion, Audrey became a regular traveler for UNICEF’s projects. Ecuador’s famished children, the protection of Venezuelan women, Guatemalan drinking water, Bangladesh schools, impecunious children of Thailand, and camps for Sudanese orphans became well known missions Audrey did.
Being an ambassador was not viewed as a job to her, but more of a mission. Her values were kept even though she was an unbelievably famous icon.
As I get older, I am learning to become my own person, and not fall into any influences society forces upon us. And one day, I hope to become as successful as Audrey, especially as a person overall. Although I might not be as famous as her, I will definitely do my part in the future by joining Humanitarian work whether it’s UNICEF or another organization.

Here is my second draft (with more examples and revisions):

Twenty African children swarmed around my family and me as we walked into a Masaii village. Women gathered around and delicately felt our hair, as if it were silk, since theirs were shaven. I had never been introduced to such a small foreign tribe. While the chief’s son showed us around the village, the women asked to trade our five dollar bracelets for their hand crafted jewelry. We reached the school hut where children looked at us with their huge brown eyes. Flies landed on their cheeks, or eyebrows, or ears, and they didn’t flinch one bit. They were used to these conditions since they had never experienced anything else. While the children, whose ages ranged, sang us an alphabet song in Swahili, a small boy walked up to me timidly. The other children watched intently and his hand reached out and slightly brushed mine. In that glimpse he smiled, eyes wide with joy, and ran back to his schoolmates. I thought about how their society was completely untouched by the media. In that instant I wanted to help these people somehow- with water, with food, with anything for that matter. UNICEF was one option, and someone who I look up to for not only their humanitarian work but also their success in life is Audrey Hepburn.
The well known actress’s second job was a UNICEF ambassador where she helped and aided children, globally. “I can testify to what UNICEF means to children, because I was among those who received food and medical relief right after World War II,” she once said. With her past of starting from so little, she knew what poverty-stricken children had to go through. Her first trip was to Ethiopia, which at the time was the poorest country in the world. She visited food distribution centers, refugee and work camps, orphanages, and health centers. At a press conference after the trip she said “I’m very impressed by the people of Ethiopia. By their beauty by their dignity by their patience and by their enormous desire, their enormous will is to help themselves. Not to simply sit there waiting. Their patience is a patience which comes I think partly from their religion, partly from their characters, of dealing with their luck the best they can, facing facts the best they can.” Ecuador’s famished children, the protection of Venezuelan women, Guatemalan drinking water, Bangladesh schools, impecunious children of Thailand, and camps for Sudanese orphans became well known missions Audrey did. By far, this woman had not one bit of ignorance in her heart. And like me, she was open-minded. Growing up, my family taught me to be open to everyone, including people who were ignorant themselves. And to this day I have shown that quality whether the person is of color, another nature, or of other stature. My dad and his family are Mexican, so when I travel to Valle de Bravo I understand their culture. They have very high standards of what a real lady should be like, which has taught me to achieve high standards, and be as successful as I can be. This is another reason why I look up to Audrey Hepburn.
Audrey took full of advantage of her talents in all degrees of entertainment art. She was a ballet dancer, a model, an actress, and sang a little too. Although I don’t have these talents myself, I practice other forms of art such as sketching, painting, and photography. I believe that as I get older and find other resources I can tap into, I will continue to do what I can to help those less fortunate than myself. I want to be a role model to others someday, showing that when a person lives selflessly, they set a positive cycle in motion that others will follow. Audrey did that for me, through her examples of the right way to live as a talented humanitarian, and a dynamic role model. One day, I hope to succeed as much as Audrey did, setting examples for other people. I know I won’t be as famous, but I know that holding selfless qualities, passions, and values will be a role model to someone in the future.

And here is my third draft (corrected by family members and old teachers):

Altruism. Philanthropy. Humility. Three words that came into my mind as twenty African children swarmed around my family and I, as we found ourselves welcomed into a small, foreign Masaii village. Women gathered around and gingerly ran their fingers through our hair, as if it was the most precious silk, while theirs was closely shaven and without adornments. I had never experienced anything that could prepare me to come face to face with such a small foreign tribe of African people. While the chief’s son proudly showed us around the village, the women asked to trade our five dollar bracelets for their hand-crafted jewelry, probably feeling as if they were getting the greater of the two, yet we knew better. We reached the school hut where children looked at us with huge brown eyes, questioning and wondering who we were and what we were doing in their village. I watched as flies found their way to their beautiful brown cheeks, eyebrows, and even ears, yet they didn’t flinch one bit. They were used to these conditions as they had never experienced anything else forcing them to question their living conditions. While the children, whose ages ranged from little to big, sang us an alphabet song in Swahili, a small boy walked up to me timidly. The other children watched intently and his hand reached out and slightly brushed mine. In that moment he smiled, eyes wide with joy, and ran back to his schoolmates. I thought about how their society was completely untouched by the media. In that instant I wanted to help these people somehow- with water, with food, with anything I could, large and small. I wanted to practice pure altruism, giving to them whatever might make their lives even a little bit better, without expecting anything in return. I thought of the people I had read about and what they had accomplished, sometimes without having much themselves. I knew that first and foremost I would need to practice pure humility, and help with what I could, and understand that there would be some things I simply could not change. I thought again of those three words: altruism, philanthropy, and humility. Who embodies those three words? Who could I try to emulate, if I could choose one person? The answer became clear immediately. Audrey Hepburn. For her beauty inside and out, for her tireless efforts working with UNICEF, and for her overall love of doing favors for others.
The well known actress’s second job was as a UNICEF ambassador where she helped and aided children, globally. “I can testify to what UNICEF means to children, because I was among those who received food and medical relief right after World War II,” she once said. With her upbringing centered on her having so little, she knew what poverty-stricken children lived with on a daily basis. Her first trip was to Ethiopia, which at the time was the poorest country in the world. She visited food distribution centers, refugee and work camps, orphanages, and health centers. At a press conference after the trip she said, “I’m very impressed by the people of Ethiopia. By their beauty by their dignity by their patience and by their enormous desire, their enormous will is to help themselves. Not to simply sit there waiting. Their patience is a patience which comes I think partly from their religion, partly from their characters, of dealing with their luck the best they can, facing facts the best they can.” Ecuador’s famished children, the protection of Venezuelan women, Guatemalan drinking water, Bangladesh schools, impecunious children of Thailand, and camps for Sudanese orphans became well known missions Audrey undertook successfully. Truly, this woman had only selflessness in her heart, constantly giving to those less fortunate than herself, and always with an open heart and an open mind.
Like me, she was never closed-minded to those around her and their situations. Growing up, my family taught me to be open to everyone, including people who may be ignorant themselves. To this day, I have shown that quality whether the person is of color, young or old, or even of another economic stature. My father and his family are Mexican, so when I travel to Valle de Bravo I understand their culture. They have very high standards of what a real lady should be like, which has taught me to strive to be a polished lady, and be as successful as I can be. Audrey also embodied this sense of being a “lady,” which is yet another reason I look up to her.
Audrey took full of advantage of her God-given talents in all facets of entertainment, philanthropy, art, and numerous endeavors. She was a ballet dancer, a model, an actress, an ambassador, and a distinct role model for many who had never thought to travel to foreign lands helping others just to help them. Although I don’t possess all the talents Audrey had myself, I practice other forms of art such as sketching, painting, and photography, and I attempt to do what I can to help those around me as best I can. I believe that as I get older and find other resources I can tap into, I will continue to do what I can to help those less fortunate than myself. I want to be a role model to others someday, showing that when a person lives selflessly, they set a positive cycle in motion that others will follow. Audrey did that for me, through her examples of the right way to live as a talented humanitarian, and a dynamic role model. One day, I hope to succeed as much as Audrey did, setting examples for other people. I know I won’t be as famous, but I know that holding selfless qualities, passions, and values will be a role model to someone in the future.